Very upset (agitated or irritated)
Poor judgement was something that really plagued me at school, at this time I was so fed up of being the odd one out (because up until then I had some of the most amazing friends), that I lived in my own world completely. In this world I was normal and just trying to carry on with school and everyone else was different and had the most exotic and scandalous lives. I lived in a blur and was not certain what was real and what was fantasy. Basically, I was living up to my psycho nick name, and it was impossible for people to understand that it wasn't just me being a dick, I was almost drowning in my own illness. It was a horrendous time, where I didn't recognise myself and my family didn't know what to do with me.
After trying for some time, my parents and I believed it would be best if I left school. This was a difficult decision as I have always been fairly good at school and received excellent grades, in my final year at school I performed really poorly in my AS levels and decided to cut my losses and leave with out A levels.
In the following year the Dr really started to take my seriously and I was now old enough to access the adult mental health team in my local area. After just one meeting with them, the term Bipolar was being thrown around and I was adamant that I didn't have it. By this time I had lost all faith in myself and hated what I had become and I was certain that I was just born crazy, my plan for my life which used to be career, family, happily forever after and the sunset, was now unemployment, mental health institutions and ill health, being alone (dropping down to such a tiny weight had caused some problems with my health and had almost ruined parts of my old life plan) and finally and early death.
I spent the majority of a year just sat on the sofa or in my bed just staring at my life going by. Miraculously during this time I met my now boyfriend who was at uni, and seeing his success and extreme normality sort gave me a kick up the arse and I knew I had to complete my A levels from home.
If we return back to the Dr, just after the first meeting with the mental health team the Dr decided to try me on some different medication. For those with bipolar taking anti depressants can actually make symptoms worse and I had been on a cocktail of anti depressants since the age of 16, almost as soon as I was off the anti depressants I started feeling better or at least more in control.
I think the feeling of being out of control is the scariest part of bipolar, it's almost as if someone else is in charge of how you feel that day and there is nothing you can do to change it.
If we fast forward in time, I completed my A levels from home and some how managed to get all A's, I had a stable boyfriend who seemed not to care that I was this loony and I was a part time nanny to earn a bit of money.
I was seeing a mental health profession regularly, and although I think talking therapies are a bunch of balls, if I hadn't been to seem them I never would have been diagnosed with bipolar and would not have received the right medication.
Now onto grown up stuff, it is ridiculous that people think bipolar sufferers aren't able to work, yes it is difficult because you feel constantly tired ( bipolar meds are normally taken at night because the make you so sleepy and really no use to anyone, and you are constantly either climbing the walls being manic, or weeping into your cereal being depressed... exhausting!). It is because of this tiredness that I think a part time job is ideal and I was able to get a job and work extremely hard at it and enjoy it.
I'm using the past tense as I have since had to give it up due to physical health problems (nothing to do with bipolar).
I honestly believe that I will be able to live as normal a life as anyone, even though I suffer with something hard, everyone deals with things and none are more important that others. Yes I sometimes have really extreme moments where I revert back to how I was when I was 16 but it's 4 years on now and they are much less frequent. It does effect me daily and it is a constant up hill battle, but I have come to terms with this and am able to deal with it almost independently.
To any bipolar sufferers out there I know it's difficult and makes you want to give up, and I know how much you want to punch people when they say "life is a roller coaster"...well duh (Ronan Keating I HATE YOU). People are sometimes scared of mental health but as long as you accept that you are always going to be different it becomes much easier to deal with. Being different does not mean anything bad! It just means that you exceptionally un-average, which is a far more exciting place to be.
It is super hard for people to grasp how intense the hold is that it has over your life, but you can not let it ruin you. I think bipolar chooses people who are strong enough to cope with it. As harsh as it sounds, I get quite cross with people who pin all their troubles on having bipolar and yes I do completely understand that it effects people differently and in different ways, but the constant thing with bipolar is that it is never constant! So you can never be stuck in a rut because the next day/week/month you will feel completely different.
Surround yourself with people that are willing to help and love you regardless (your family is a good place to start... they don't have a choice), don't get upset that some people wont understand and will leave your life.
I am very grateful for people in my life now, and for those of you who have left (mainly school friends) I apologise for how I was but no one is perfect yo!
Any way that's all sorry for it being long and rambley and probably doesn't make much sense, I just thought I should get it out there and hopefully it will clear things up for some people.
I am not angry or upset that I'm stuck with this illness ( as really that's all it is an illness, something that can be treated), and really normal is BORING.
Peace out
Frank
x
